The Veil of Mental Health - Part 2 The Recovery

      So when you have hit the bottom getting back up really isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s almost like living an out of body experience. One where you're told by others that it’s ok not to be ok, that you’re doing great and that no one would cope as well as you. It’s in that exact same moment that a resounding voice in your head tells you:"I told you you’d mess it up, I knew you were rubbish and that you would fail". It is feeling those emotions coupled with the overwhelming responsibility for the emotional well-being of your family’s mental and physical health: providing financially, whilst holding down a stressful career, trying not to lose our home and making all the decisions on a 24/7 basis from now on and being terrified: "what if I get it wrong!!!" The depression and anxiety aspect quietly grows and visits you like a thief which inevitably then steals your self worth and confidence. I did not think this would ever happen to me, nobody is immune.

     So how do you go back? Well the answer is that there is no going back. The broken shell of the woman who entered that GP practice 4 months ago thinking that she needed a week off because her memory was going; the woman who had not slept for more than 4 hours a night for a year and was sure that the chest pains and frequent illness was just due to tiredness has gone. All softened with the antidote of time which I had wholly underestimated! The need to stop and be allowed to just recover and to not be everything to everybody 24/7. I was trapped in a cycle of non-stop relentlessness, a machine of ongoing 24/7 productivity. I was smashing it... so I thought. I had to stop and now I give myself time each week to just do that. This is the only way forward. This was and is still really hard for me. I am still learning that it’s ok to just be on my own and just do nothing. Today I am not cleaning, not shopping, not sorting my daughter's clothes, not reading work journals, not checking emails, not making dinner, not checking up on my dad who has been very ill this year (he can ring me if needed). I am not mowing the lawn or painting that fence!! Now right now I can just stop, and before I really did not know how. You see, you just lose that and the irony is stopping and doing nothing makes it all much easier and clearer. Drop the guilt. Drop the guilt of not being there  and the guilt of not being at work. I mean my leg hasn’t been hanging off so surely I should be at work right?? I needed to drop the second guessing of what will people think? At work or at the school gate.. I mean surely after 4 months I’m ‘better now’. Let it go. The impossible self expectation of one’s self to be wonder woman and stick to a low calorie diet and look like a model and be a domestic goddess at the same time as dealing with my husband’s HD diagnosis coupled with anxiety and depression - why can’t I do this?? I am not a lazy person!!...

      I no longer expect anyone to not only achieve this but I do not expect this of myself. I have been terrified to the core and this has been by far one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced; trust me that has taken some beating. This takes time, all of it. I experienced 18 months of destruction and trauma, in hindsight all of this could not have been repaired in a week. So when people look at me now and I’m sure they do and think ‘wow she’s had a lot of time off’. ‘She’ has taken what was needed to physically and mentally repair a broken body and soul, not one day more or one day less than was truly needed. The terror of going back there is enough to want to protect myself in the future; I do not want to go back to then. The place where the TV and radio was just too much to handle. The place where the first 6 weeks of my time off I don’t remember. At month 4 I’m so much better but I am not there yet, but the difference is now I’m not sorry. Let people in. I had to let people in, I still don’t really want to, but true friends want to be there as I want to be there for them so I’m learning how. I have felt humbled and grateful for friendships made in the school playground on the school pickups  all of which up till now I’ve had to miss out on. I have gained a different insight into other people's lives and problems and it has been a much needed distraction to gain perspective and build supportive networks. My dear long standing friends who have been honest with me and have forced me out of my home and plied me with wine and crisps then made me laugh until I have felt sick. I had also forgotten how laugh and I am just learning this again now and to be ok doing it. I am actually very blessed to have such amazing people around me and it has taken all of this to realise that I am not alone.

      I am very fortunate that I have an employer who hasn’t pushed me back into work too early. I’m unsure if they truly understand the journey that I have been on and that I’m still working through. I have still felt valued by my team and supporting professionals which makes it all much easier. I realise that a lot of people do not have this in their life and my heart truly goes out to them as the Veil of mental health is dark and is not easily lifted. My life with my family and those moments where we had a water fight in the garden, ate chips on the beach, cheered when my daughter could first operate a big girl swing and then swam on her own in a pool so deep, is now what drives me forward. Not staying at work late until everything is as perfect as I can make it or doing everything so perfect making me so tired that I can barely think. This time has allowed me to really start understanding and living in the present, this is all we really have. Learning to deal with the grief and deterioration is something that I find hardest about living with HD. This is also a time thing I am learning to cope, all be it slowly; the difference is now I am allowing myself to take the time I need to do that. I hope that my ramblings of a blog helps others to see this in themselves too because you aren’t alone out there, but you do need to let people in.

This post is dedicated to my GP who made decisions for me when I couldn’t. Her understanding and patient kindness saved my life in more than one way. I am eternally thankful.